What's different this time?

I've done this before. 

I look back over the past 10 years and can point to many places where I've "gone wrong."

You see, before when I wanted to be "more disciplined" I adopted an all or nothing atttitude.  In fact, I've always tried to write down my "perfect" schedule.  Wake up at 5:30am, exercise from 5:45-6:45am, eat breakfast while doing devotions, take a shower, pack my healthy lunch, go to work, track my calories, make sure my calories are within my goal range........come home, make a healthy supper, spend time with my family, go to bed by 9:00pm...

Do you know how hard it is to have a perfect day as a working mom with two young kids and meetings and classes and, and, and....? See, I end up always being wrong when I try to be perfect.  When one moment in a day doesn't go the way I expected it means my day isn't perfect anymore therefore I have failed.  Trying to be perfect creates a downward spiral and essentially creates my own prison of imperfection which creates reason after reason to stop doing what I promised to myself I would do. It's a prison of never being good enough. Ever.

So what's different this time? 

I'm learning to make one disciplined decision at a time and forgive myself for those moments I'm not disciplined.  Today was someone's last day at work and there was a large cake in the cafeteria.  I made the decision while I was in the cafeteria for lunch not to eat a piece of cake.  One decision in one moment.  I'm proud of that decision.

On Sunday night, we made the decision to get pizza for supper.  Not the best disciplined decision, but I made the decision to eat half as much pizza as I normally would have eaten.  I'm proud of that decision.

Last week I didn't spend time doing devotions.  Instead of beating myself up about it and throwing my hands in the air, on Saturday morning I took the time to journal and study.  I am happy I spent that time with God.

I'm learning there is no perfect schedule because life isn't perfect or predictable. I'm learning to make one disciplined decision at a time. I'm learning to forgive myself for the non-disciplined moments.  I'm learning to love myself.  That's what's different this time.