When I move forward without You I feel like I'm going through the motions. Life feels meaningless. I feel hallow. I can hear the emptiness - like a distant echo. I do not recognize the sound right away or understand the hole that is forming.
Eventually I feel the start of a cavern inside my soul. The echo gets louder and I work at silencing it. It is a shallow hole so an easy solution, outside of You, seems plausible. Maybe I'm just tired. I'll sleep in a little later, read a book, check in on Facebook. But when I try those things the hole gets bigger. This time I try food or shopping. I try to "take time for myself" and do something "for me."
The hole gets bigger, even as I try to force more in it. The hole is so large I feel it in my soul and I am desparate to fill the void.
Worry. Anger. Perfectionism. If only I could be in control of everything, then I would feel whole again. So I clean. I plan. I organize. In my mind I create my perfect life. But, when perfect doesn't include You, the hole gets deeper and I start to sink. The sinking is slow and unrecognizable. I am so focused on myself I do not realize I'm losing sight of You in the world around me.
When I finally look up, I stand on my tip toes to barely see out.
You see me peaking out and You meet me. Sometimes You come in a song or a book. Other times through a friend's words of truth. Most often You come in silence. But You are there and Your peace and calm lift me out. Slowly. Gently.
I look down. The hole is filled.
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